An Asexual Talks About Intimacy: Sensexual Cuddles

I have a confession. I identify as grey-a or ace depending on the day and I am sexually attracted to my girlfriend. Not terribly and I would rank it pretty low on the ways I am attracted to her, but it is there. Still, most of what we do together in the realms of physical is all about sensations and not about sexual satisfaction. It is a funny, tricky line where enjoying a sensation becomes this is a sexual act for me. It sometimes feels like it is related to the cycles of the moon or what side of bed I got out of this morning because it is really random. But there is also the aspect that a lot of aces feel where there is a difference between my body is feeling this thing and I am feeling this thing. Sometimes my body is doing this thing and I think to it, “that’s very nice dear, but I am way more interested in this texture that will likely make you stop feeling this way, sorry.” There are a bunch of things that are generally sexual for other people that for me are just fun sensations that never have to go anywhere and aren’t sexual. So what do I call what my girlfriend and I do together? I don’t really want to call it sex because that isn’t really where we are going. If someone walked in us, that might be the word they used for what they saw, but from the inside it often really isn’t at all.

We like our own term, sensexual cuddles. Sensual + Sexual=sensexual.  Sensexual cuddles means that we are focusing on sensations and how we make each other feel. If it gets sexual, that is just fine. My partner is sexual and I have no problem with that. I am romantically, sensually, aesthetically, and sexually attracted to her, in that order. Primarily, we are enjoying sensations and each other’s reactions. I love textures and sensations and losing myself in how she makes me feel and how I make her feel makes me really happy.

One of the biggest differences between sensexual cuddles and sex is that there is no end goal. Depending on our mood and what we are doing we might have a discussion about what we each want that time, then we enjoy playing with each other and when one/both of us is tired or done or it is time for dinner, we stop. Unlike sex which has this drive to the climax of the story and values the climax more than the play that got the participants to that point, sensexual cuddles is about just enjoying whatever sensations are on the table that day. If one or both of us is feeling sexual that day and such feelings are had, it’s nice, enjoyable, but no more enjoyable than if we hadn’t had those feelings.

I’ve spoken to other aces who have had relationships with people who are sexual who say that this is what is the issue sometimes. The sexual person doesn’t really count their cuddles/interactions/whatever as really successful unless the end goal is met. The ace sits back and thinks, oooh that felt nice. Then there is dissatisfaction on the sexual person’s part, often without even telling the ace until it becomes a problem. I am lucky to have such a dependable line of communication with my partner. We talked from the very beginning of our relationship about was okay for me and what was okay for her. We came up with a way we interact that both of us enjoy.

2 Comments

Filed under Intimacy, Relationships

2 responses to “An Asexual Talks About Intimacy: Sensexual Cuddles

  1. this is a very interesting perspective. One that I have never heard before. I didn’t know such things existed. So does the sexual girlfriend feel satisfied with this type of relationship? I guess if both parties are happy then it works. Certainly nothing wrong with that. Just different than what I have heard of before. Thank you for sharing.

    • My partner is satisfied with this aspect of our relationship. She is on the lower end of the sexual spectrum, so it works pretty well for us. When we started dating, I was very open with the fact that I hadn’t dated since my teens and I didn’t really know what I was comfortable with sensually or sexually. I am really happy with how well we communicated and found the space that works for us. There are a good chunk of aces out there dating allosexuals who I am sure have their own process for the balance of what is comfortable for them and what makes them happy.

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